Playing Pretend
by Risingstar13720
Summary: Is Romano as tough as he seems? what will Italy do to help him? im sorry, i suck at summaries. ps, Rating may change throughout story, and i'm not really the best at rating so be careful, and there's a bit of OC-ness enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Ok guys, this is my first fanfiction, and I'm really excited about it :) I really hope you guys like this, and yes, I made Romano secretly emo. This is cause I never really see any fanfictions where Lovino is the one that is troubled, so I thought, 'hey, why not?' anyways please review, cause I wanna know what you guys think, please! If you like it, say so. If you don't, message me and give me a few ideas on how to make it better. I'm all ears, I promise to do my best. Anyways, Enjoy!**

**~RisingStar13720**

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Chapter 1

I was back home, alone again, like always. I watched, watched as the warm liquid ran down my arms as another slit was made. It hurt, a lot, but the pain….. it helps me forget. I've done this many times before, and I've gotten use to pain, the feel of the metal digging into my skin. But, I have never made this many cuts before, the blood was oozing out of me much faster…. So much…

But I didn't stop, I couldn't stop, I made another cut.

_I have to forget_

Another cut

_Why can't I just leave?_

I could tell I was close because I felt numb, and my hand was shaky, making it a bit harder to control where the knife was going.

_Oh dio, help me, help me forget_

I felt something wet on my cheeks. I looked in the mirror to see that I was crying. Salty rivers flowed down to my chin, where it hung there then dropped to the ground. Some mixed with the blood on my arms. I let them fall, why should I hold them in here? I'm alone; I don't need to hide, not here. I stared at the freshly made cuts.

_Its….. actually really nice to look at, So pretty. Why should I stop? I think I will just watch it, until I cant anymore. That would be nice._

Just one more cut.

_Maybe this will be the end._

I felt dizzy, I didn't realize the extent to this until I looked in the mirror and saw how much I was swaying. I didn't mind though, and I made a move to make one last cut.

_This should finish it._

But, before I could finish the job, something caught my attention. The sound of light knocking, very faint, but I caught it. Then a door opening and slamming shut. This startled me a bit, but what made me jump was a very familiar voice, and of _course _this voice just had to belong to the last person I wanted to see.

"FRATELLO! I CAME FOR A SURPRISE VISIT! SURPRISE!~"

_Shit._

I hurriedly and clumsily grabbed a towel and the bandages I had put out before I started, and with the towel, I dried up all the blood and wrapped both arms with enough bandages to keep anymore from spilling out, then I pulled down my sleeves to cover them. Then I heard his voice again.

"FRATELLO? WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU PLAYING A GAME? I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY, BUT THEN THE PASTA THAT I BROUGHT WOULD GET COLD! COME EAT WITH ME, ve~"

_Dammit._

I ran out of the bathroom, well, it was more like stumbled, with the knife in my hand, and the red towel I used to soak up my blood, it use to be white. I shut the door to my room as quietly as possible. I was kind of hoping he would think I wasn't home and would just leave. I kept the lights off, so that he wouldn't even bother coming upstairs. It was around eight thirty at night, so it was pretty dark, and in the condition I was in, it probably would have been smarter to turn the light on, but I thought I would be ok. This proved to be a mistake when I accidentally kicked the nightstand, sending the book sitting on it to the ground. It made a loud slam against the hardwood and I mentally cursed to myself, not because of the pain, but because right after the book hit the floor, I heard him say

"FRATELLO?! IS THAT YOU?"

Then there was the sound of faint footsteps in the distance. He was coming upstairs, and rather quickly, too. I began to panic as I heard the footsteps become louder, the smell of tomato sauce getting stronger by the second.

_Shitshitshitshitshitshit_

I opened the top drawer to my dresser and stuck the knife in between a few t-shirts and threw the bloody towel under my bed, I would take care of those later. I wobbled quickly to the door, and swung it open, hoping I could find a hiding place before he saw me, only to be met face to face with myself. Well, the kinder, younger, cuter, stronger (in a way), loving, over all better version of myself. The me I could never be. My pure hearted fratellino. Feliciano.

"hi fratello!~ I was just looking for you, vee~" I just looked at him warily for a bit. I hated that I would have to pull the act on again, but, I guess I would have to deal with it. Besides, I could always forget some more later…

"What the hell are you doing in my house, idiota!?"

It's funny how he is so use to my yelling. He didn't even flinch.

"I came to visit my fratellone~! I never get to see you anymore, so I thought we could spend the day together, ve~"

I cringed a bit at how sickly sweet his tone was, and how his smile reached from ear to ear. He even tilted his head like a small puppy. He thought he was adorable, and to everyone else, he was. But me, I'm not falling for it.

"I brought pasta!~"

He said before I could reply. I guess I hadn't replied fast enough, I just wanted to close the door and finish my **business **in the bathroom, so I yelled

"Get the hell out!"

But of course, not being one to give up easily (well, at least in these situations) pouted and said

"Awww, but Lovi~ I made this pasta special so that we could eat It together, with extra tomato, just how u like it!"

I sighed, I knew I wouldn't be able to get this guy off my back for a while, and I had no fight left in me, so I might as well just eat. I'm a bit hungry anyways; losing a few pints of blood does that to you. I let out a small sigh.

"Fine, but you better have put the extra tomatoes on the side, dammit!" I added a glare to make myself look more fearful.

"of course, Lovi, why wouldn't i?" he said, a large grin on his face as he skipped ahead of me down the stairs.

"Whatever and STOP CALLING ME THAT, BASTARDO!"

I had to shout that last part, since by the time I was half way down the steps, he was already setting up the table, of course I _was _still unbalanced and woozy from before.

By the time I reached the dining room and sat down, Feliciano was already serving the still steamy pasta onto a plate and had set it down on my table in front of me. He then served himself and said "eat up, lovi! Ve~" and he started slurping up the noodles.

I didn't say anything, but I nodded then looked back to my plate, I picked up the fork to started eating, but as I ate, my attention was brought to the sauce.

_The sauce looks…. Just like it…._

My mind started to wander away, back to when I was in the bathroom. It was sad really, I was so close this time, so close to it all being over, so I wouldn't have to pretend anymore…. So close….

**_No_**

_No, keep your mind away from there, lovino. Not while Feliciano is here. I won't let **HIM** of all people see me like that._

But it was already to late, and I was off, left in the hell hole that is my mind… I wish I had a knife…

I had stopped eating and by now was just staring at the food. This caught my brother's attention.

_Why isn't he eating? What is he looking at? And his eyes, they look red…. Was he- no, nonono. Lovi never cries, I mean why would he? But still, I have never seen his eyes so… so, **empty**._

Feliciano started getting worried.

"Fratello?... Lovino?..."

I heard him speak, I knew he said something, but I didn't answer, I couldn't. I was somewhere else, somewhere far away from here, so far that all I heard was a low mumble, I was somewhere much darker the here.

That was when I unconsciously said

"red is… such a pretty color"

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**So there it is! My first chapter! Yay! I hope you guys liked it, I should be making the next one in about a week or so, I've already got some good ideas flowing through this wicked skull~ muahahaha!**

**Yeah….. you guys might hate me later…..**

**But too bad! :D **

**Anyways, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!**

**If you don't, then no more chapters ( yes im evil )**

***Fratello/Fratellino/Fratellone= brother/younger brother/older brother**

**See you guys next chapter! :D ;)**

**~RisingStar13720**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok guys, that first chapter was basically the intro to this story. So this one is where it really starts, I really hope that you guys enjoy it. Also, please review! I accept all comments~! **

**So this one is basically a flashback, in the next one it will be normal time again.**

**Enjoy!~ :D**

** ~Risingstar13720**

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My name is Lovino Romano Vargas.

Most people know me as Romano. Or, at least the people who know I exist. I am the country of South Italy, Romano. North Italy, Feliciano Veneziano Vargas is my _perfect_ fratellino.

I am a seriously messed up man. I have been for as long as I can remember. How I see it, my entire life is a game, one that I am not specifically fond of. The game of Pretending, but not the innocent, child's play where you pretended you were a prince off to save your princess from the dragon's fortress. No, my game is not as simple. It's about pretending that you're stronger. Pretending that you are angry with everyone. Pretending that you're ok with being left behind, ok with being someone else's shadow. Pretending that it's fine not to be good enough. Pretending that you don't feel like breaking down and crying every time you wake up to the same life every single morning. This game is where you pretend that you don't care, you never have cared and never will care, even though you so desperately do. This game is where you leave home pretending that you haven't been trying to forget everything and that you actually mean something.

This is the game I have always played. This is the game that I will always hide from everyone, until the day I can finally forget this life forever.

This is my game….. and I'm going to tell you about how I started playing.

Believe it or not, there was a short time when I was exactly like my little brother, Feliciano. Well, not exactly. I was very friendly, and good-spirited like him. And I cared for him more then I cared for myself. I smiled more in this time then I have in my all my life. But I was still worthless, and my brother was still better then me at everything. My little brother doesn't remember me ever being kind to him, and who could blame him, we were still so young, so new in the world. No one remembered me ever being kind, except for two people.

One was me. The other…. Well, he faded so long ago, I can barely remember spending any time with him. Well, not that he wanted to… he hated me, and he knew I was worthless from the beginning. My grandfather knew what I was before I did.

The Great Roman Empire.

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"wait up, fratello!" Feliciano yelled as he chased me down the grassy green hill, almost tripping over himself. "I can't, Feli! I want to get there before sundown! Hurry up!" I yelled back, a huge smile on my face. I was a few yards ahead of him, but as began to see dark greens of the tall trees that lie ahead, I slowed a bit so that he could catch up.

I was excited, Feli and I were on our way to one of my favorite places in the world. It was a large meadow near grandpa Rome's home, hiding in the middle of a massive green wood. This meadow was full of large, white daisies. It was the place where Rome found me, he found Feliciano a few years after me, in a green field filled with long grass, near a bright forest, filled with life and every color imaginable. He likes the meadow I was found in better then his fields, he has always had a thing for flowers, so we decided we would share the meadow. Of course we didn't actually own the lands, but sometimes, it was fun to pretend we did.

We especially wanted to go today because grandpa Rome was coming home today after a few months gone in war, so it would be the last time we would get to go for a while….. at least, that's what we hoped.

I was almost across the thick strip of wood that lead the meadow, Feliciano was walking right behind me now, actually, he looked more like he was skipping, and had a grin on his face. "Are we there yet?" he asked, and right then, the woods cleared and there was nothing but wide open space, the ground so full of pure white flowers, it could have easily been mistaken as snow. There sky's were a clear, bright blue, with not even a single stain of white. And the sun shone brighter then the heavens itself, bright and warming every inch of my body, inside and out.

I guess you can see why I like this place so much.

I looked over to my fratello, who stood next to me with his face tilted towards the sun, large hazel eyes covered by his eyelids, his slightly chubby cheeks a rosy pink from the warmth of the sun as he welcomed it and let it sink in, and a small, sweet smile that spread across his lips. He was the definition of peace. Feli was obviously enjoying the weather as much as I was, and this was confirmed after he let a small "ve~" slip through his lips, a small breeze blowing his auburn hair from his face and leaving just as quietly as it came.

Rome told us once that the place you are found tells a little something about you. I never believed him.

I am nothing like this place.

I pulled myself out of my thoughts and slightly nudged him, saying "Come on, Feli!" then lightly tugged on his arm. He opened his eyes and beamed at me, I gave him a small, almost shy, smile back, before he raced ahead of me to a soft bundle of flowers in the center of the meadow that slightly resembled a bed. He stopped and waited for me there, and once I reached him, he fell back onto the flowers, and lay there, one arm lay across his stomach, the other beckoning me to join him, and so I did. And we lay there, intoxicated by the perfect day.

We lay there for about twenty-five minutes of pure silence, except the occasional "ve~" from Feliciano, watching the light begin to fade as it set behind the trees. I was about to wake Feli, because I could have sworn he was asleep, until he jumped saying "Yay! I finished!" I was slightly startled by his loud voice breaking the silence, but calmed and replied with "finished what, Feli?"

He turned to me and held out a… crown? I was confused, and that apparently showed because he said "it's a crown I made out of daisies! I made it for you! Ve~" I was a bit surprised, '_he made me something?'_ I thought, and without my permission, the word "why?" slipped from my mouth. "Ve~ silly fratello, because I thought it would look pretty on you!" then he slipped the crown on my head and giggled " and I was right."

I could feel my cheeks heat up, and I looked away from his direction, taking a sudden interest in the ground between us. "…R-really?" I said, then mentally face-palmed. "of course, Lovi! You're prettier then this entire meadow!" then he giggled when he saw my blush darken to a bright red that couldn't be hidden no matter how hard I tried. "t-t-thank y-you, F-f-eli." I replied. I gave up trying to hide the blush and fiddled with the hem of my dress. He smiled and said "Awww! Fratello looks so cute!". At this I turned an incredibly dark scarlet and yelled lightly "B-Be Quiet!". _'Why am I stuttering so much?!' _ I screamed in my head.

After a few moments, I stood up and said "come on, Feli. Let's get home". Feli took my hand in his, and with that, we left, not another sound was heard on the walk home. It reminded me a bit of the calm before the storm, and when we reached the doorstep, I was completely nervous.

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"What do you mean? You can't leave me grandpa! How could you do this! Just get up and leave me alone!?" I was nearly screaming now, tears streamed down my face like rivers. "You can't leave me. YOU CAN'T!" I shrieked. "

"You will stay; you serve no purpose to me, why should I waste my time and effort. Go to bed, Feliciano and I leave at dawn." He replied, voice cold and heartless. And with that, I ran to my room, my door was slammed shut. I jumped onto my bed and cried my eyes out, I was going to be alone. _'Why is this happening to me? What did I do wrong? I can change! Why are you leaving me, all alone? Please…. Don't leave me!"_

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When we arrived at the house, there was grandpa Rome, sitting on the couch in the middle of the room. He looked troubled, and was most likely deep in thought. But, of course, Feli saw nothing of this and ran up to him, jumping and burying his face into grandpa Rome's chest. "GRANDPA ROME!" he screamed, this of course brought him out of his own thoughts and changed his expression completely to light and relaxed, a huge smile plastered across his face.

"Hey, Feli! How's my cute little grandson doing?"

"I'm doing great grandpa! Today me and Lovi went to the meadows, and I made him a crown" he turned and pointed at my head, I gave a slight nod and a small smile, to which he looked right through and completely ignored, like usual. "that's great Feliciano, I would love to hear more, but I need to talk to your fratello alone, so why don't you go upstairs and go to bed, and we will talk in the morning". Obviously, he looked pretty disappointed and a bit concerned, but after grandpa gave him a reassuring smile, he walked to his room, humming up the stairs.

I, on the other hand, was a bit nervous. Grandpa Rome never talks to me, especially if we are alone. He knew I was a worthless, clumsy, lazy, untalented person who is just taking up all the oxygen that perfect people like my brother could be using. I walked up to him in an attempted hug, but like always, he pushed me away. Then he picked me up and sat me down next to him. The next few words that fled his mouth filled my very soul with dread.

"Romano, I am taking Italy to travel the world with me, you will remain here until we return"

It felt like I had been stabbed in the chest, and this day was one I knew I would never forget. The first time I had ever been abandoned.

The next morning, I walked out of the room; I was groggy and felt horrible. I only got a few hours of dreamless rest, crying myself to sleep. I walked down stairs and immediately something felt… off. The house was completely silent, not a sound. I ran to the window, the sun was right above the house… Noon.

**No…**

I checked Grandpa Rome's room first…. Empty, everything but the bed, night stand, and dresser, all gone.

**No, no….**

I checked Feliciano's room, same as the first, except there was an envelope on the bed. I ran over and picked up, It had the word 'fratello' scribbled on it. I practically ripped it open, and began to read. Then I dropped the letter and ran.

**No No No…**

_Dear fratello,_

_Grandpa is taking me on a trip today! I'm going to a lot of places, I'm so excited!_

Bathroom, no.

_Grandpa says I'll learn a lot, too! I really want to learn as much as possible, he says I have potential for greatness._

Kitchen, no.

_But it might take a little while, so wait for us. I'll be back as soon as I'm a great nation like Grandpa said. Remember to stay safe!_

**Nonononononono…..**

Living room, no.

_I love you!_

_-Your fratellino, Feli._

**NO!**

I looked everywhere, they were gone. I sunk down onto the ground, sobbing my heart out. I was alone, they left me. They left me behind, and Feli, my fratellino, didn't even question him! He didn't even care! He doesn't care about me, neither of them do! And if my own family doesn't care, then who would?

No one. No one would care, they never will.

That's when I decided to build the wall, so that no one can get to close and hurt me. When I put on the mask, so that no one will see the pained, tear-stained face that lies underneath.

At this time, I realized what I had to do to keep from getting hurt again.

This is where the game began. Where I started playing pretend.

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**Ok so that is the end of this chapter! I finished it! Yay! :D**

**I was worried I wouldn't get it done on time, it was saved on my ipod, so I had to rewrite the entire thing, UGH! But it's cool, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.**

**PLEASE R&R! I want to know what you think, send me some ideas. I've already got an idea for the next chapter, so just wait! ;D**

**Bi guys! **

**~Risingstar13720**


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